Preparing

for

MARRIAGE

God’s Way

Preparing

for

MARRIAGE

God’s Way

Preparing

for

MARRIAGE

God’s Way

Lesson 8

Resolving Conflicts, God’s Way

A Christian home isn’t a home without conflict — whenever two people get close, some disagreement is inevitable. That’s not necessarily bad. Handled God’s way, disagreements can actually stimulate growth rather than damage your relationship. Conflict resolution doesn’t come naturally, and God doesn’t pretend it’s easy (Proverbs 18:19) — but His Word gives clear, practical guidelines for working through it.

Work through the Biblical Help worksheet, the Guidelines for Good Conflict Resolution, Conflict Analysis, Problem Solving, and Sorting Out Responsibilities — then summarize what you learned about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

This page is only for the person filling it out — your partner will complete their own copy separately.

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Biblical Help for Preventing, Avoiding, Restraining, and Overcoming Strife

Study These Passages First

Start by asking God for help (Matthew 7:7–9; James 4:2–3). Then read as many of these as you can: Proverbs 10:12; 13:10; 15:1,4,18; 17:14,27; 21:9,19; 20:3; 19:11; 25:8; 26:17,21; 29:20,22; Genesis 13:8–9; 26:17–31; Judges 8:1–3; 12:1–3; 2 Samuel 10:1–14; 2 Kings 14:1–8; Jeremiah 28:1–11; Daniel 1:8–16; Romans 12:14–21; 13:12–14; Colossians 3:12–15. Look for why people fight, the consequences of quarreling, and what must be done to restrain and overcome strife.

Guidelines for Good Conflict Resolution

Rate 0 to 4

0 = frequently do this, 4 = never do this — lower is better here, be honest.

You and Your Partner

Rate how often you and your partner each practice this rule.

1. I focus on what is happening and what I should do to correct it, instead of only trying to understand what my partner does.

2. When a problem arises, I am ready to admit I may be part of it — I focus on what I’m doing wrong, not just on my partner.

3. I realize I cannot change my partner; they must want to change, or my efforts will compound the problem.

4. I realize love is not primarily a feeling, but actions calculated to serve, please, and help my partner in a God-honoring way.

5. I focus on changing my own behavior, attitudes, reactions, and responses — I plan specific, attainable, repeatable, positive changes.

6. I am constantly working to develop and maintain a good communication system.

7. I am working to develop and maintain many commonalities with my partner — common projects, interests, and activities.

8. I recognize and allow for differences between my partner and me — I know men and women tend to view things differently.

9. I regularly practice the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) — I treat my partner as I want to be treated.

10. I major on the positive qualities of my partner and our relationship rather than focusing on the negative (Philippians 4:8).

11. I practice the principle in Luke 6:34–35 — I give and serve, expecting nothing in return.

12. I keep current — I deal with one problem at a time and don’t rerun old arguments; I forgive and forget (Matthew 6:34; Ephesians 4:26).

13. I try to maintain a close relationship with God through Jesus Christ (John 14:6; 1 John 4:21; Matthew 22:37–39; Ephesians 5:21–33).

Number of 0 and 1 answers you gave

Number of 2, 3, and 4 answers you gave

Conflict Analysis

Indicate the approximate extent of agreement or disagreement between you and your partner on each item.

1. Use of money

2. Recreational matters

3. Spiritual matters

4. Friends (social life)

5. Demonstrations of affection

6. Correct or proper behavior

7. Philosophy of life, goals in life

8. Time spent together

9. Making major decisions

10. Leisure time, interests, and activities

11. Career decisions

12. Praying and Bible study together

13. Where we will live after we are married

14. What type of housing we will live in, now and in the future

15. Ways of dealing with parents and future in-laws

16. Use of alcohol or drugs

17. How to resolve disagreements

Overall satisfaction with your present relationship (0 = lowest, 10 = highest)

Worksheet on Problem Solving

List the solutions to at least five problems you’ve solved together God’s way — differences of opinion, difficult decisions, arguments, or personal antagonisms you’ve overcome.

Problem Number One

Problem Number Two

Problem Number Three

Problem Number Four

Problem Number Five

Sorting Out Responsibilities

A Plan for Promoting Unity

Many conflicts arise because responsibility was never clearly assigned. The husband is the head of the home (Ephesians 5:22–27; 1 Timothy 3:4–5) and is ultimately responsible — but he may wisely delegate leadership in certain areas to his wife, his chief helper (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 31:10–31), where she’s more gifted or experienced. This doesn’t mean an area is one person’s exclusive job — you’ll still discuss everything together — it means someone has the responsibility to see that it actually gets done. Talk it over, assign responsibilities, and support each other in carrying them out.

1. Children