Preparing

for

MARRIAGE

God’s Way

Preparing

for

MARRIAGE

God’s Way

Preparing

for

MARRIAGE

God’s Way

Lesson 4

Marriage, God’s Style

Marriage is something sacred — it was created by God Himself, designed from the very beginning when He made the first man and woman, brought them together, and performed the first marriage. Because He created it, He knows better than anyone how it should work.

This session is about learning God’s plan for marriage together — starting with what it means to “leave” your parents and “cleave” to each other. Work through the Family of Origin Study, In-Law Relations Worksheet, and In-Law Inventories individually first, then come together to share and discuss what you learned. After that, work through the Commitment in Marriage Study together.

This page is only for the person filling it out — your partner will complete their own copy separately.

Full Name

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Families of Origin Study

Discuss together the similarities and differences between your families. Write down your findings for each item below.

1. Family Occupations (blue-collar vs. white-collar, both parents work or just one, etc.)

2. Marriage of Parents (good, fair, bad, poor, still together, divorced, separated, etc.)

3. Family Rules (for example, “children should not argue with parents,” “children do the dishes,” etc.)

4. Personality features and characteristics of Mother and Father.

5. Family Beliefs (for example, “the family that prays together stays together,” “cleanliness is next to godliness,” etc.)

6. View about Finances (how money should be spent, saved, etc.)

7. Views about Sex (often discussed, never discussed, dirty subject, etc.)

8. Views about Responsibilities and Roles of the Husband/Father and Wife/Mother (for example, “mom always does the dishes,” “dad mows the lawn,” “dad makes the decisions,” etc.)

9. Relationships with the Extended Families (grandparents, uncles, etc.)

10. Involvement in Church Activities, Spiritual things, etc.

11. Family Political Views

12. Views about Work, Recreation and Vacations

13. Family secrets (for example, a relative’s past struggle kept quiet, etc.)

14. Ways of handling problems, disagreements, ways of communicating.

15. Family values or standards.

16. Family boundaries: personal privacy, personal possessions, freedom to be an individual, own interests and decisions, expressions of affection, attitudes toward fun, etc.

Answer these questions:

1. How are your families of origin alike and different?

2. How are your mothers and fathers alike and different?

3. What impact has your family background had on you — positively and negatively? In what specific ways have you been affected?

4. How may your future marriage and marriage partner be affected, either directly or indirectly?

In-Law Relations Worksheet

“Cleaving” means staying deeply committed to each other. Work through these on your own first, then discuss together.

1. Do you have any problems with your parents or your prospective in-laws? Write down the kinds of problems you have had.

2. What kinds of in-law problems have you observed in the marriages of others?

3. What are the most common mistakes that in-laws (children and parents, brothers- and sisters-in-law, etc.) make?

4. Study Exodus 18 (Moses and his father-in-law Jethro) and the book of Ruth (Ruth and Naomi). What made these such good relationships? What should a mother-in-law model after Naomi, and a daughter-in-law after Ruth?

5. Imagine someone came to you for advice on developing a good relationship with their in-laws. Write out what you would say.

6. Write a letter to your prospective in-laws expressing appreciation for them and the kind of relationship you want to have with them.

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Sample Letter: Child to Parents

Dear Mom and Dad, I want to take a moment to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Your love, care, and guidance through the years have shaped who I am today. Now, I’m entering a new season in life — one that will change our relationship. It won’t weaken or take away from the love we share, but it will look different. The Bible says that ‘a man shall leave his father and mother’ for the sake of marriage, and that time has come for me.

My relationship with my spouse will now become my top priority under God. We’ll always need your love, support, and prayers as we build our new life and home in Christ. We hope to have a relationship with you that’s not only as your children but also as your friends — where we can talk openly, even if we don’t always agree, and still love one another through it all.

Excerpted sample — read the full version with your counselor, then write your own in your own words.

7. Now write your own letter to your parents expressing your views on how you should relate to them, and they to you and your mate, after marriage. Bring your letter with you to the next session.

In-Law Inventory #1

Rate 0 to 2

0 = not at all, 1 = somewhat, 2 = very much.

You and Your Partner

Rate yourself, then rate your partner on the same item.

1. Excessive dependence upon parents

You

Partner

2. Jealous of partner’s relationship with parents

You

Partner

3. Critical of partner’s parents and/or relatives

You

Partner

4. Gossips to parents about partner

You

Partner

5. Critical of partner to parents

You

Partner

6. Takes sides with parents against partner

You

Partner

7. Excessive talking about parents

You

Partner

8. Compares partner to parents

You

Partner

9. Is partial to own parents

You

Partner

10. Puts parents above partner

You

Partner

11. Favorably compares own parents to partner’s parents

You

Partner

12. Makes plans with parents without seeking partner’s counsel/advice

You

Partner

13. Allows parents to dominate

You

Partner

14. Excessive desire to please parents

You

Partner

Summarize what impressed you about yourself and your partner in relationship to your parents:

In-Law Inventory #2

Rate your in-laws (not yourself) on each: 0 = not at all, 1 = somewhat, 2 = very much.

1. Fault finding

You

Partner

2. Meddle in our affairs

You

Partner

3. Have unrealistic expectations of our relationship

You

Partner

4. Are overly possessive and protective in our relationship

You

Partner

5. Are indifferent and aloof towards us

You

Partner

6. Are overly dependent upon child

You

Partner

7. Gossip about us

You

Partner

8. Insist on having their own way

You

Partner

9. Talk too much

You

Partner

10. Won’t listen

You

Partner

11. Are unappreciative

You

Partner

12. Are jealous of other set of parents

You

Partner

13. Are jealous of our relationship with other people

You

Partner

Summarize what impressed you about your parents and prospective in-laws through this study.

Commitment in Marriage Study

1. Read Psalm 15:4; Numbers 30:2; Deuteronomy 23:21; and Ecclesiastes 5:4. What do these passages teach about making commitments?

Sample Commitment Statement

As I marry you, I’m making a lifelong promise — to love and follow God and to love and honor you. I promise to keep learning how to love you better as the years go on. I want my love for you to reflect the love described in 1 Corinthians 13 — a love that is patient, kind, and steady; not jealous or proud; not rude or selfish.

With God’s help, I will love you with a forgiving heart, one that doesn’t demand its own way. I promise to love you with a faith that never stops trusting, a hope that never fades, and a commitment that never gives up. I give myself fully to you and commit to keeping our relationship pure, faithful, and exclusive.

Excerpted sample — read the full statement with your counselor before answering below.

2. Looking at the sample statement above: what basic principles does it include? What would you include in your own commitment, what would you add, and what would you leave out or change?

Are you ready to make a commitment such as this? (Yes / Not Yet / I’m Not Sure)

3. Now write your own: “I realize that the essence of marriage is commitment to God and to you. As I marry you, I commit myself…” Make it personal and specific — don’t just copy the sample.